And packed with my knickers, in a suitcase

Down, down, down the rabbit hole

book is a book, an artwork is an artwork








My art piece from year 8, coinciding with my Alice in Wonderland obsession

This is my angry face

I wrote these ages ago when I was in my angry phase and rather geeky, the former is hidden but I'm pretty sure the latter is still rather obvious. This was ages ago, most likely my goth period? Whats that? Doc Martens and Robert Smith pasted on your locker, angry face and crosses drawn on your wrists with biro? No, not my girl!

Anyway, onwards!

Us" being the "good girls" we are loaded with a bunch of girls we have nothing in common with to show around in our break. Usually by break these girls have already ditched us for the girls who can't spell DNA. Our record was losing a buddy in 10 minutes. Seriously, that is pretty amazing. That girl now asks in science class questions like the following:

(Doing reproduction in class)

"Miss, if you have sperm on your hand and you, like, touch yourself, can you get pregnant?"

"Miss, if you're in a pool and a guy, like, ejaculates, can you, like get pregnant?"

Yes, that is the highest science class and yes, she is intelligent, and no, I don't want to know what shes doing with her year 12 boyfriend. This is wet t-shirt girl, by the way.

My experience wasn't as bad, my buddy was "stuck" with me for around 30 minutes and in that time i realised we weren't going to get along. She had someone stuck her face in what looked like a strawberry iced cake, applied large Christmas decorations to her ears and talked like she was on speed (later my friend and i were in a group with her when she asked to borrow a "pin", for about 10 minutes this banter went on about "why would you want a pin?" "no a pin" "why would i have a pin" "no a PIN" "I DON'T HAVE A PIN" till my innocent friend broke it by saying, "i think she wants a pen", we still go on about this, what joy does it bring). She soon ditched us and marched around the school with this girl who ditched us last year to be "cool" "popular" and not too intelligent. As our ex-drama teacher said "pretty thick". There not even that pretty (this may be from the perspective of a bunch of bitchy girls, snarling and clawing) but we can relate most of them to a bunch of animals; horses, ducks, pigs, you name it, we've got it. They strutted around for about a week till they separated as one got a bit cooler than another and her skirt got a bit higher, an indicator of the social status at our school.

So that girl ditched us last year for those popular girls, something she aimed for all year and quite happily told us:

(We were sitting at "our table" and shes standing peering at those popular girls and guys eating her rice, yes, just rice because of this amazing diet she formulated, to eat nothing,to say:)

Girl- I wish i could still hang out with you guys but you're not really popular enough. Like, so, yeh.

We stared at her for about 10 minutes, she left and it was said "good riddance" well, not, we really said "yeh, bugger off, you cow". Or at least, said it in our head. She later got drunk, fell into a ditch and had herself broadcasted on web cam giving a hand job. Our good, good friend. Before that she used to go around kissing my other friends on the cheek thinking it turned guys on when Dolly posed the question "are guys really turned on by lesbians?" to then say it wasn't cool to do such things or blah blah blah, but she probably hadn't read the rest with the attention of a knat.

Now Dolly, Dolly is the bible to all typical teenage Australian girls. It tells all the important things that matter to a typical teenage girl - style tips to look good (for boys), make up to look "hot" (for boys), how to talk properly (to boys), life (boys), sex (with boys), relationships (with boys), how to meet new people (mainly boys), first day back to school (how to chat up the new boy) and most importantly boys. Yes, these "Dolly" girls have their priorities straight.

Girl one- So you do French?
Girl two- Ya.
Girl one- So, say something.
Girl two- Oh..e..j'mappelle (Enter name here, this is just because, because, because)
Girl one- Meaning? (Well, if shes going to put her name there, what do you think?)
Girl two- My name is (here) but really they call me (here)
Girl one- J'mappelle (here)
Girl two- Meaning my name is (here)
Girl one- No! They call me (here), get it right douchebag!

Who says that. What warrants that, I'm not a being a prune, but it just sounds stupid doesn't it? I don't think these girl even know what a douchebag is. Douche meaning to wash, or really to shower in French, not too bad, just a wash bag, but the purpose is the insult. In the olden days these bags would be shoved up a woman to wash her insides for sanitary reasons. Do you think that girl two would like to be called a bag shoved up females. I think not. I wonder if those guys who say it to one another as a sort of endearment term know what it means. Probably not, if i tell them, which i am often tempted to, they would probably say it more..or less, depending on how much they love their friends.

More conversations:

Girl one- And i was like, "what are you, like, doing?". And this guy was, like, really hot. And he was like, "you need your passes", and i was like...

Today like seems to be used in whatever manner that teenager wishes. A noun, verb, adjective, anything really. After spending around 10 minutes with an over uses of the word "like" you start to find yourself saying "like", like, all the time and you, like, can't control it. Yet is also the rate that they say it, think Vicki Pollard, with a lisp, like this girl, mm...hardly not the most aurally pleasing conversation in the world is it? Also, don't just think its girls who say that. There are a lot of guys i know that use the word "like" as if its a bingo word, sickening really.

Girl one- And this guy ask, are you, like 16? And I'm like, no! I'm only 14, peoples.

Another very, very annoying part of teen speak today. Shes talking to one person. What? Did suddenly a whole groups surround her to hear her say the wise words of "No! I'm only 14 peoples"?. If not, then whose these "peoples"? I had this one friend, and i excuse her as English being her second language, that would address you under any circumstance as "peoples". You'd be sitting by yourself reading a book to hear, "hey, peoples", or on msn, a one to one conversation, "hey ppls". Is there a mob of people behind me? Peering over my msn conversations? How did she know? That's the only way in which this "peoples" comment could make sense. Also, "peoples" is completely incorrect to grammar, "people" is already the plural, but hey! Lets just add the s for fun and..awesomeness.

Another conversation witnessed was one about how "thin" some people were. A common conversation in the female language, like guys to....bra size? Well, same context really. But here:

Girl one- He is so skinny! (Notice its a he?)
Girl two- But he eats heaps! Like, where does it all go?
Girl one- He's probably one of these people who, like, always go to the toilet to shit it all out.

Deadly serious. Now, don't mock my girl stereotype language but i think i have the right to utter the word, ew. Who says that? WHO? Do you think that guy would appreciate being known as the boy who "shits it all out". That's normal anyway, but what? Who has to say that?

Another thing with teenagers is jokes. Now, we all have those silly little inside jokes that crack us up every time..stupid things that from the outside world looking in makes us look like retards or people with epilepsy depending on what type of joke it is (we have one in particular which is quite rightly called the "Irish bot dance", think robot dance arms mixed with an Irish jig. Yep, not that funny and its sort of worn away on me now, but at the time, it was hilarious. We even wrote it in this book called "How to be cool..a.k.a awesome". Which a lot of people read and didn't really understand. Because..it was full of inside jokes, my point exactly, most of them taking the mick out of the people who read it, but they didn't know that because they think they're too cool..gone off topic now.) But teenagers can be quite funny people, you know and funny people to make fun of, but here was a joke i heard:

Girl one- (Talking about getting ready in the morning) Yeah, i usually dress before having breakfast because coming to school in clothing is sort of essential.

Now that's funny, i even uttered a snort myself. Despite how extremely boring the topic was, (Who cares about your daily routines, this isn't a Indonesian lesson you know.) But that was funny, till it was taken to far.

Girl one- Oh yeah (laughing to herself..). I'll just come in my pajamas..(laughing again to herself)

Gone too far, sorry love. I guess i sometimes do that, but we could've visioned that our self. I'm no Dylan Moran, so i don't know the art of telling jokes (i recently found out my one friend has this fake laugh...truly. Its used when i use intelligent jokes or reference something she doesn't know. My other friend laughs all the time and does the VERY cliche thing of then asking..what does that mean?) But i believe that it was taken too far. But i was still funny, I'll give her that, my kind soul.

Well, that about all i can recall. No one more thing. I had to do this presentation, and the teacher commented on how beautiful this picture of my grandma looked, then said "Oh, can't you see the resemblance?", the class, "no", so what were they implying, rude little twots. Oh well, some say my grandmother looked like Margaret Thatcher, which she doesn't, but the people who say these aren't exactly singing "Stand down Thatcher" more like "Bring Thatcher back". So maybe they see it as a compliment rather than something that would cause my grandmother to hurl her handbag at them and tackle them to the ground.

The N's in Neans.

Finally the exams, the ones that haunt you all year that you in fact pay for and parents don't tell you until the last minute that you in fact did not have to do them if they didn't pay, ("Wait..you paid for these?" "yes." "YOU PAID FOR THIS TORTURE??!!! FACIST! FACIST!") are finally completed. After two days of stress, cramming, Satie and Vivaldi, my exams and practically year, is over. Well not entirely, theres still the computing exam but thats basically a joke, for example:

Susan is looking at her inbox, how many emails has she received?
a) 4
b) 0
c) 8
d) dubfkshbdhvdfakhakshbc

Hint: its not d

Whenever I do an exam I always have this little tune playing in the back on my head, as I said before my life always has a soundtrack yet when you are trying to answer the equation of half pie multiplied by 4.5 without a calculator,"Remember You're a Womble" is not quite fitting, despite it being a truly fantastic song. Other soundtracks include "Rollercoaster" by that Irish Spice Girl rip off band, B*witched and "Excitable Boy" by Warren Zevon, the man that can make homicide and building cages out of prom dates bones, sound good plus groovy, lastly the "aaaaWOOOOOO" part of "Werewolves of London" because thats the only part I know. I ended up tapping my way through most of the maths exam and howling for the last ten minutes of History/ Geography, not generally helpful in answering land management questions as I often end up writing what I'm humming. "With non-government organisations like dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones".

The problem with History is that when I write about feminist rights I become rather, in a word, angry or perhaps more, defencive, due to my grandmothers influence of "be a feminist! Getting married sucks!" (taking advice from someone who told you that "Puff the Magic Dragon was part of our heritage", if so, this may explain a few things). I am also an avid Whitlam supporter, for reasons beyond me ("Whitlam, you had me at "Its Time"") and often feel its necessary to mention my commitment to the former and sacked Prime Minister no matter the question. Thus, my extended answer read like a campaign for feminism and bringing back Whitlam. Good stuff. I then attempted to sleep but became to self conscious, this was after I ripped my answer sheet nearly in half, pursuing the instruction to separate the pages. If this is any indicator, as it is meant to be, of my Year 12 exams then I am stuffed.

Creamy, green goodness

"If you want to go to Wales, you can't laugh every time a Welsh person talks or comes on television"

"I can't help it! They're so funny!"

I shall explain, after a night of recounting my childhood plays (Fiddler on the Roof and Honk! once I participated in school functions, those days are long gone.) I came home to find Midsomer Murders on the tele, Midsomer being the place where despite each episode having about four people die, the town can keep on functioning and having their spring fairs. But whats this? Perhaps the population had dropped to an all time low and inspector Barnaby had to leave (due to the fact murder seems to follow him, not the other way around) and visit Wales to plague them with his misfortune and more murders to occur.

Cue the Welsh man. Rugged, unshaven, with a stick, a farm and a small cottage and of course, a Welsh accent. Causing me to burst out laughing, I couldn't help it, especially after watching episodes of "My Family" with the strange array of Welsh in that. Yet, my mother gave me a foul look and said the following. The reason behind my want to go to Wales is due to the poet Dylan Thomas, of which I am named after his wife, (Caitlin Macnamara/Thomas). My mother heard her name on the radio about 6 years before I was born and that was my name. Unfortunately her name is spelt Caitlin, so everyone just assumed she heard wrong, but! Oh mightily! The new movie "The Edge of Love" proves otherwise. Tracking the life of the two women in Dylan Thomas' life, Caitlin is featured and look! "Queen of Ireland, love of my life, Catlin Thomas!".



Unfortunately they all sort of play around, and Caitlin is most likely quite the opposite of me, but perhaps I shall model myself upon my model.

In the end the Welsh man, named "Brim", the oddest of the bunch and the most Welsh was the murderer. I guess thats how it works though, Americans always have evil English opposites and the English, if they can't have the evil Irish opposites, throw in a Welsh person and you're off.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I think I am Kn2

But shes so old, eurgh, be gone!

AND LEGAL!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUPCAKE GIRL

I shall recite the song I wrote for you when I attempted to appropriate "Skeleton Song" , failing yet still happy:

Georgia you are my friend, but you are so tall
And even though you ate my hair, we still ate cake
And I should've known, that it wouldn't be long
Until you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
Waiting at the airport,
And its not like I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do..ooo

I can't remember the song I wrote for you but it was along those lines.

When one is not angry, simply lazy, fret not.

Shes so pretty, Mean Miss Mustard Kelly :)

Inspirational speeches fail on me

I am not "getting on board", I'm jumping off ship.

And we want them now!

Every once in a while you meet those really cultured people, big hot shots, sipping their South American wine, analysing artworks in their flash, lime green lensed glasses, discussing in depth movies with odd, foreign titles or the latest works of some unheard of author, wearing hand painted shoes from Brazil and hair in a top knot bun with chopsticks, indicating their "multiculturalism", or maybe these are just the people I meet.

These people are not your friends. They are out to compete with you and will snidely talk about things they know you have no clue about. I cannot help you know the difference between the works of Pierre Auguste Renoir or Tracey Emin, although I hope the comparison would be obvious or if that is in fact David Sedaris' sister but I can help you amp your movie knowledge to a competitive level.

The Top Four Movies that are bearable, that make you seem like you're cultured, when perhaps, you're not.

1. Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain

The movie that launched the career of the lovely Audrey Tatou, brought French movies back into the mainstream and is the basic headliner for indie or foreign movie fans everywhere. Basically, Amelie is an eccentric young woman living in Montmarte who wants to help her fellow humans around her and along the way falls in love. This will put you straight away into the "cultured" books especially if you quote (my favorite is "its better to help people than garden gnomes", although this proves very hard to work into conversation casually, don't just blurt it out, that'll make you seem either a) utterly eccentric and therefore praised as a god or b) desperate and in need of respect as you can repeat the property of someone else) or if the person is one of those tight lipped ladies who look as if the only time they'd open their mouth would to suck out your soul state how dearly you loved Tatou's later work "A la folie, pas du tout" (Use French, makes you seem more intelligent and "artsy" and if they look confused say, "oh, of course, silly me *chuckle* "He loves me, he loves me not""), not many people know this work and would instantly give you the upper hand, the upper hand to slap her face.

2. Everything is Illuminated

Barely anyone knows this film, its Eljah Woods outbreak from the hairy footed days of Frodo Baggins. Woods plays a Jewish American whose grandfather fled to America from the Ukraine during the Second World War. Woods is a collector of objects and plans to find the village that his grandfather used to live in through simply its name and a photograph containing the image of a woman. To get there Woods travels with the English speaking interpreter and his like of Michael Jackson, his "blind" grandfather and his "Officious Seeing Eye Bitch" (my nickname around the house, thank you Judi). The movie is hilarious but worthy of tears as well, this is the kind of movie that will harvest millions of conversations about meaning and such and will most definitely make you seem like you have "depth". To make you seem extremely cultured plug the fact that Eugene Hutz if from the gypsy/punk band Gogol Boredello, known for their hilarious lyrics and odd stage antics and dancers, plus their fantastic tight, bright pants.

3. Annie Hall

Woody Allen is nearly always playing himself, its the neurotic Jewish guy. This movie is based upon the relationship that was actually occurring at that time of filming between Diane Keaton and Woody Allen, so basically, its autobiographical. Imagine how stuffed up that relationship would be. This movie makes you seem cultured and accepting of Woody Allen, even if you're not. My, that Woody Allen raised himself one good wife. Perhaps, cracking this joke will help, I suggest you do, tip their Australian red wine on their white, puffy shirts and glittery, barely there dresses, shake your fist in their face and walk off, to hell with their approval! You have standards.

4. Withnail and I

I recently devoured this movie whole again and it still amuses me to fits of tears and embarrasses me to run into the other room to "get a glass of milk". The movie follows the journey of "I" and Withnail, two out of work actors in1969. Realising that the 60's are about to end the two decide to spend a holiday in Withnails Uncles cottage in the country, putting a strain upon their relationship and sanity. Richard E. Grant is impeccable as Withnail and despite the hatred you should feel for him, you still love him (Hannah- cin cin!). Believing Withnail to be with more talent than "I", but due to his eccentricity and lack of empathy he will remain unemployed. This is something you can bring up in conversation, argue your point and use your hands in vibrant, expressive ways like they cast people to do in movies when their at art galleries, making you seem cultured.

Now you can take on the world.

Actually, I meant three

How long does it take the fishermen to load the crabs? (In hours)

Fishmongers have mutant abilities, it takes them not hours but seconds to load 200 fish. -I hate maths, the teacher is a ginger abuser, all except for moments like this:

"Why would I even be walking in the great wilderness?"

"Because you're trying to get to Adelaide"

For you're as blind as a man can be

I love this photo, its that "mood" thing, yeah?

Plus, Manic Street Preachers on November the 24th, fingers crossed but hopefully "Your Love Alone is Not Enough" will be playing sweetly to my ears. The only problem is when your music taste greatly resembles that of a forty year old it often means your parents want in on the act.

Panic at the Disco killed The Nightmare Before Christmas.

When I was thirteen my brother introduced me to the world of Foamy, this influenced a lot of my behavior at that age, which is why even now Daphne still tells me I was scary and she didn't want to approach me. Anyway, Foamy is back with a well deserved rant:


Anyway, hope you had a good Halloween, I was bombarded with disgusting covers of Tim Burtons almighty Nightmare Before Christmas, case in point Panic at The Disco's "This is Halloween", Fiona Apple, great, Marilyn Manson, has its place but Panic at The Disco? Thats murder, disgusting, foul and painful. My Halloween finished with going to my third party of the night (I can't believe I can actually say that), being hugged by Dorothy and commented upon with "so you're cat...whose a cat" (to a "lol") before tucking into a karaoke version of "How Soon is Now" and an avocado. All in all, a pretty good night.