And we want them now!

Every once in a while you meet those really cultured people, big hot shots, sipping their South American wine, analysing artworks in their flash, lime green lensed glasses, discussing in depth movies with odd, foreign titles or the latest works of some unheard of author, wearing hand painted shoes from Brazil and hair in a top knot bun with chopsticks, indicating their "multiculturalism", or maybe these are just the people I meet.

These people are not your friends. They are out to compete with you and will snidely talk about things they know you have no clue about. I cannot help you know the difference between the works of Pierre Auguste Renoir or Tracey Emin, although I hope the comparison would be obvious or if that is in fact David Sedaris' sister but I can help you amp your movie knowledge to a competitive level.

The Top Four Movies that are bearable, that make you seem like you're cultured, when perhaps, you're not.

1. Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain

The movie that launched the career of the lovely Audrey Tatou, brought French movies back into the mainstream and is the basic headliner for indie or foreign movie fans everywhere. Basically, Amelie is an eccentric young woman living in Montmarte who wants to help her fellow humans around her and along the way falls in love. This will put you straight away into the "cultured" books especially if you quote (my favorite is "its better to help people than garden gnomes", although this proves very hard to work into conversation casually, don't just blurt it out, that'll make you seem either a) utterly eccentric and therefore praised as a god or b) desperate and in need of respect as you can repeat the property of someone else) or if the person is one of those tight lipped ladies who look as if the only time they'd open their mouth would to suck out your soul state how dearly you loved Tatou's later work "A la folie, pas du tout" (Use French, makes you seem more intelligent and "artsy" and if they look confused say, "oh, of course, silly me *chuckle* "He loves me, he loves me not""), not many people know this work and would instantly give you the upper hand, the upper hand to slap her face.

2. Everything is Illuminated

Barely anyone knows this film, its Eljah Woods outbreak from the hairy footed days of Frodo Baggins. Woods plays a Jewish American whose grandfather fled to America from the Ukraine during the Second World War. Woods is a collector of objects and plans to find the village that his grandfather used to live in through simply its name and a photograph containing the image of a woman. To get there Woods travels with the English speaking interpreter and his like of Michael Jackson, his "blind" grandfather and his "Officious Seeing Eye Bitch" (my nickname around the house, thank you Judi). The movie is hilarious but worthy of tears as well, this is the kind of movie that will harvest millions of conversations about meaning and such and will most definitely make you seem like you have "depth". To make you seem extremely cultured plug the fact that Eugene Hutz if from the gypsy/punk band Gogol Boredello, known for their hilarious lyrics and odd stage antics and dancers, plus their fantastic tight, bright pants.

3. Annie Hall

Woody Allen is nearly always playing himself, its the neurotic Jewish guy. This movie is based upon the relationship that was actually occurring at that time of filming between Diane Keaton and Woody Allen, so basically, its autobiographical. Imagine how stuffed up that relationship would be. This movie makes you seem cultured and accepting of Woody Allen, even if you're not. My, that Woody Allen raised himself one good wife. Perhaps, cracking this joke will help, I suggest you do, tip their Australian red wine on their white, puffy shirts and glittery, barely there dresses, shake your fist in their face and walk off, to hell with their approval! You have standards.

4. Withnail and I

I recently devoured this movie whole again and it still amuses me to fits of tears and embarrasses me to run into the other room to "get a glass of milk". The movie follows the journey of "I" and Withnail, two out of work actors in1969. Realising that the 60's are about to end the two decide to spend a holiday in Withnails Uncles cottage in the country, putting a strain upon their relationship and sanity. Richard E. Grant is impeccable as Withnail and despite the hatred you should feel for him, you still love him (Hannah- cin cin!). Believing Withnail to be with more talent than "I", but due to his eccentricity and lack of empathy he will remain unemployed. This is something you can bring up in conversation, argue your point and use your hands in vibrant, expressive ways like they cast people to do in movies when their at art galleries, making you seem cultured.

Now you can take on the world.