Shiny Edward

I would like to thank my amazing friend Kirra for sending me this email, she is truly fantastic! Thank you!

"I've just read the fourth twilight book.

sigh.

i did consider ODing on listerine or somehting, but instead i decided to look up the criticism that stephenie meyer is getting for writing this horrendous piece of crap, because i am sure that you and i are not the only sane teenagers in the world (which is saying something, considering that i would never put the words kirra and catlin in association with the word normal).

but SUCCESS!!! alas, i journeyed far and wide throughout the deepest and darkest corners of the world wide web, yet i came out triumphant and victorious! there IS hope, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, and there are other girls who DO hate twilight!

remember how we discussed the amount of times bella referred to edwards dazzling smile or whatever? well this fellow hater has actually counted the number of times things like that have happened, just to spite the book. sure, some people may see that as over compulsive or just plain sad, but I.... i have developed a new respect for this sad, sad.... but oh so RIGHT reviewer!

Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

and then it starts to progress into the specifics....

Broken Down into the following categories -

Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)
Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)
Eyes: 17
Movement: 11
Smile: 10
Teeth: 8
Muscles: 7
Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)
Iron Strength or Limbs: 5
Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)
Scent: 4
Laughter: 3
Handwriting: 2
Chest: 2
Driving Skills: 1

The Number of Times...

Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26
Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22
Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17
Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16
Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12
Edward and Bella Kiss: 8 Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1
Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1

Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6
Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)
Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5
Edward Sparkles: 3
Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3 Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)
Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2
Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1
Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0
but do remember that its all bella's fault, not edwards. remember, he SPARKLES! (and i die a little inside)

so here's the url if u want to check out more: http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html#cutid1

the movie is coming out soon. in these hard times it is important for people like us to stick together and stop us from falling into the depths of the levels as our dear unfortunate friends have. try to resist the temptations edward cullen, a completely fictional character from the mind of a woman who writes like a twelve year old infatuated with love. it will be hard because edward is, of course, oh so goreous. everything about him his perfect. his eyes, face, voice, his MOVEMENT catlin! his teeth, his muscles (im just a sweet transvestite.... sorry, mental image of rocky and time curry for a sec) where was i? oh yeah, his skin, his iron strength (wtf?) his breathe, his scent, his laughter, his handwriting, his chest, his drving skills! whoa... that boy sure knows how to use a gearstick.
but most of all, that smile which i love so much. edward has the smile, that i love so much, you see. and when he smiles that smile that i love so much it makes me smile because when he smiles that smile i love so much it makes me happy. and all because of edwards smile, that i love so much. SO FUCKING MUCH!

AND he sparkles. he smiles AND he sparkles. is there anything this boy CANNOT DO?

kirra draper, signing off before my keyboard explodes.

ps. KABOOM!"

Listen to the woman!